Stuck In My Head

Sorry I have been a deadbeat blogger, bros.  I'll hit it up more next week.  I'm feeling this jam right now; just mad emotional, dogg.

Also, you can't beat the description the person who uploaded this wrote:

"Yes, you did just cum in your pants."

-Big Ran

I Don't Know How I Feel About This

Not to go all "Dawson's Creek" all over your asses, but I really don't know how I feel about this cover.  I've been going back and forth since I heard it on Thursday.

So, I guess I'll go with the pros first.

1.  She doesn't drop an N-Bomb.  At least that I could tell.  There was one spot early where the sound was dropped, so I'm not 100% sure.

2.  She swears.  I honestly didn't think she would.  I love swearing, so that's a positive for me.

3.  She has some flow.

The cons:

1.  The Yankees hat.  It's not because I am a Red Sox fan, that sh!t is just played out unless you are actually a fan or at least from NYC.

2.  A few cringe-worthy moments, like throwing up the Jay-Z Roc symbol.  I wasn't feelign that.  Also, throwing the Fish Filet line to the audience and they didn't say anything.  Tough.

3.  Her guitar player.

Overall, I give her credit for giving it a shot, but I won't be downloading her version.



-Big Ran

It's All About the Benjamin....

...and yes, I know that the real song title is plural, but for me, it truly was all about the Benjamin this weekend. That's right Takeover readers, the most unlucky person in terms of money, yours truly, won $100 on a $2 scratch ticket. Naturally, because I never win ANYTHING, you would have thought I was a millionaire.

 

I stopped at the package store near my house before going to a friend's house on Saturday night. They didn't have my Shock Top Raspberry Wheat, so I left and stopped at another one I'd never been to before. In addition to my 6 pack (of which I consumed only 1.5- my limit), I bought five $2 scratch tickets. I told the cashier I didn't care which ticket it was as long as it was 5 of the same one. Well, he made a great choice as I won ten dollars ten times on one of the tickets! Best night ever. I did hallucinate on the last $10 though and thought it said $10,000. Could you even imagine? Yeah, me neither.

The winning ticket!

Maybe my lucky streak will continue, I mean, after all, I AM a winner at life. I get to sit in a cube all day!

-KC Jones

This Is How We Do It....

I love Kendrick Perkins, I hate the Miami Heat. Therefore, I love what happened during last night's OKC/Miami matchup. I love that DWade is giving Perk the "stare down" as he follows him down the court.

Really? What are you gonna do about it D-Bag? I REALLY hope that Russell Westbrook was taunting him as well, knowing that Perk-A-Lurk was there to protect him. The best part of this incident was what happened after the game when Perk was asked about it and said that it wasn't intentional, he just happened to be there. (Looking for that clip, but can't find it yet).



                 

Hey Danny, thanks again for trading Perk away. While it's not Jeff Green's fault he has a heart issue, and while he was looking real nice dressed up and sitting on the C's bench last night for moral support, the trade NEVER made any sense. PERK FOR PRESIDENT! Ainge is Strange!


 -KC Jones

At least he's aging well......

(Ir)RATIONAL Rant....Time After Time

So, I've been at my company for almost 11 years and in that time I've had 4 different jobs. While I love so many of the people I work with and generally have a good time with them, I cannot STAND the b.s. that is found in Corporate America. So, imagine my disgust when I was informed by my boss that we now have to start keeping time sheets. Um, okay....the last time I checked, I am salaried and I know, that in my group at least, we all put in more than our share of time at the office or working from home during our month/quarter/year end close processes. We can account for our time, we're adults, not 5 year olds, and we don't work with clients in a billable hours type environment. Oh well, I guess there's NOTHING better for moral than being made to feel like 'big brother's watching', right?

Now, in addition to figuring out how to log all of our extra hours at night and during the weekends during our super busy times, we're left to also figure out how to justify spending time on facebook, online, running out for Iced Tea, and writing awesome blog posts. I guess I'll just learn to pee extra fast so I can put less time down for that and MORE time down for recreational activities. (All of the miscellaneous activities will be grouped as "Professional Development" and/or "Teambuilding".

Why do I feel like a "meeting with the Bobs" is in our near future?

This is not the first time this has happened to us, and I just have nothing else to say about it other than it's stupid. Yup, STUPID...I said it....maybe I am 5!

P.S. If the consequences include a lay off in time for summer; sign me up!

-KC Jones

Stuck In My Head....

This is TOTALLY random, and it's been making numerous appearances in my head since last week. I have no idea why, but I love this song. It reminds me of my early 20's and being sh*tfaced--and ironically, most of my sh*ttiest nights were spent in the company of Big Ran!

Make sure you pay attention to the video, especially the part where Missy Elliot's head is missing. What was the point of that? Adding Ludacris to this song made it a slam dunk as well.  I mean, his rhymes are, as usual, priceless and the visual presentation is just ridiculous. I will admit that Missy rapping about sex in regards to men is VERY uncomfortable for me.....just sayin'....

Anyway, I anticipate this song being stuck in my head for at LEAST another week. It's always bad when the song stuck in your head is one that you can't sing out loud.



-KC Jones

Role Model....

Rihanna: 'The more I got naked, the more comfortable I felt'

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2012/03/24/rihanna-more-got-naked-more-comfortable-felt/#ixzz1qB7DppM3

Between her stage shows and bikini-clad vacations, it’s clear to anyone that’s been paying attention to Rihanna that she’s not afraid to show a little skin. 

In fact, the “S&M” singer recently admitted to UK magazine Women’s Fitness that she was able to accept her body by flaunting it. She explained:“My way probably won’t work for most people… but the more I got naked the more comfortable I felt.”

The singer, 24, often posts super sexy (and sometimes deemed inappropriate) photos of herself on Twitter. She defended this behavior as well, telling the magazine: “I just had to face my fear. You always find something wrong, you always find something you’re uncomfortable with, and one thing turns into another and you get embarrassed and self-conscious about it — you feel like everybody can see what you see.”

Ok, so obviously she is young, in great shape, and talented, but enough is enough. When I read things like this I am so happy that I have no intention of having children because 1. I don't want them looking up to people like this and 2. I don't want them turning into someone like this. I don't know which one I'm more afraid of actually. Seriously though, what happened to her?

 

1. She's still involved in some capacity with our generation's Ike Turner. Apparently, she must have never seen the pictures of herself after the abuse because she's too busy putting out scantily clad pictures instead.

 

2. She's sending out ridiculous pictures of herself on Twitter. Honestly, could you imagine the ego that comes along with that sort of behavior? Ok chick, you 'faced your fear', now enough. 

 

3. At least things like this help me understand why there all of these stupid females on Facebook posting inappropriate pictures of themselves, fishing for attention and compliments.

 

4. Why am I surprised? With songs like "S&M" and "Birthday Cake" (which I actually do like, but admit is completely inappropriate given that the remix is with Ike Turner), this is just par for the course. 

 

I don't know what Big Ran's opinion will be, but I'm not a prude....I just think this is just ridiculous and her comments explaining her actions really burn my ass.

 

REALLY?

 -KC Jones

Closing Time

I'm looking at a half-empty bottle of Courvoisier, which means that we are just about out of time.

Have a great weekend, adopt some dogs!

-Big Ran

Geraldo Rivera: Investigative Journalist...Ummm What?

Geraldo Rivera, investigative journalist vapid douche bag, tweeted this about Trayvon Martin, the teenager shot and killed by George Zimmerman, essentially for being African American and having the gall to carry around a bag of Skittles, an iced tea, and wear a hooded sweatshirt.

Geraldo really nails this issue on the head, huh?  Great responses though:

18hOneL ‏ @AWiseLatina

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@GeraldoRivera Mt: His hoodie killed Trayvon Martin as surely as George Zimmerman/Really? Eminem wears a hoodie. Your point is?

18hEminemsRevenge ‏ @EminemsRevenge

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@GeraldoRivera That's the most IGNORANT #cracker thing you've ever said..in that case, why hasn't #hoddie wearer #BillBelichick been killed?

18hMary RichardsKallman ‏ @mrkallman

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@GeraldoRivera Fashion killed Trayvon Martin? You are sick.

Is Geraldo just letting his mustache go to his head or what?  Look, I don't like to be serious on this blog, or really ever, but this case is just outrageous.

This poor kid was shot in cold blood because this crazy-ass racist p.o.s. didn't think black people should be in his neighborhood.  Nobody helped the kid and Zimmerman was questioned and released.  People, we still live in a f*cked up, backwards-ass, racist country, just look at most of the people that write in to this "Yo, Is This Racist?".  His great response to Geraldo:

"DEAR GERALDO, I HOPE YOU GET MUSTACHE CANCER"

Damn.  I got all serious.  Go out and adopt some puppies and feed them ham, god damn it!

-Big Ran

India Doing What India Does Best...Be Crazy as F*ck

New Delhi - In India's remote and poverty-stricken areas, health resources and qualified doctors can be scarce. Many people still rely on faith-based healers, who sometimes promote outlandish theories about how the body works.

Shyamali Singh is a high school student in West Bengal's Midnapur district who holds a wild belief about dog bites.

He said getting bitten by a dog leads to the birth of puppies. The victim gets puppies inside his body and becomes like a mad dog.

So-called "puppy pregnancy syndrome" has a long history in the locality.

Psychiatrist Kumar Kanti Ghosh helped document the phenomenon for an article in the medical journal Lancet in 2003. His interest started when a nine-year-old boy came to his clinic about 10 days after being bitten by a domesticated dog.

"There was no issue of rabies," Ghosh said. "But he believed that he had developed a pregnancy with a puppy inside his abdomen. His parents said that sometimes he was barking like a dog and was crawling on his four feet.”

Farmer Gopal Singh is one of Singh's patients who was bitten by a dog about seven years ago. He said he went running to the faith healer- who explained that puppies would be born inside his stomach and he would become like a mad dog and die."


So, would the puppies be half human and half puppy or would they be straight puppy?  I guess the combo could be interesting, but I think I would prefer just regular puppies.  If you don't think I'm smearing a raw steak over my wife's arms tonight and hoping for some more puppies, you don't know me well.

-Big Ran

PS:  If you don't think I live up to my self-imposed nickname of "Picasso of YouTube" now, then you need to move to Communist Russia, because I pulled this one out of the ether, man.

PPS:  I don't know how many rupees you would have to pay me to go to India, but I don't know if there is a big enough number.

Ho-Hum, Just Another Dog Saving the Day

St. Petersburg, Florida -- A St. Petersburg dog is being called a hero for helping to save a 

17-year-old girl from an attack.

The teen was volunteering for the Friends of Strays animal shelter on a Saturday
afternoon, a few weeks ago.

As she walked down a path behind the building with Mabeline, a Rhodesian
Ridgeback mix, the girl was attacked.

Pinellas County deputies say Michael Bacon, a registered sexual predator, chased her
down, grabbed her by the hair, then pinned her down.

The teen couldn't get loose, but the 38-pound dog did, scaring the attacker off,  and allowing the girl to escape.

"To see something like that happen, it's just unfathomable," said Donna Thomas,
from Friends of Strays, adding they've never had any problems before. "...a dog,
its bark, its growl, and defending its owner, is always a deterrent."

But Mabeline, described as an "absolute sweetheart" is hardly what many think of as
a guard dog.

Since the attack, she was adopted out.

The new owner, Mary Callahan, had no idea what her new four-legged friend had
done, until 10 News told her.

"I looked at my dog and I thought you are a hero," Callahan explained.

It's a feisty side Callahan hasn't seen, but she's glad to have the extra protection.

"I like that.  I like that a lot," she said.



38 pounds of awesomeness.  I'm so pumped Maybellene was adopted and is given ham.  Awesome.


It's Friday, people, go adopt some dogs and give them ham!



-Big Ran

So, Andrei Kirilenko's Wife Is Out There

That's former NBA-er, Andrei Kirilenko's wife wearing a scream mask at her husband's Russian League game yesterday.  Two questions come to mind:

1.  Why (obviously)?
2.  Why does no one seem phased in the least?

If someone near me just busts out a Scream mask, I watch them very carefully, because they are obviously insane.  I gotta get to Russia, it just seems like a winterized version of the Wild West.  Just rip vodka and cheap cigarettes, and find me a Russian bride to wear a Scream mask, then call it a day.

Well, hey, in Russia, Scream mask wears you.

-Big Ran

Flour Bombs Over Kardashian

I hope her hair or that phat ass (and trust me, I mean phat with a P-H.  To quote Cube, "I got d!ck for days, she got ass for weeks") doesn't have a gluten allergy.  But you know what they always say, "It's Hollywoooo, it's Holywoooo, man."

Also, money shot of the two dudes vacuuming the flour off the red carpet.  Come on, get a Dyson and act like a professional for once.



-Big Ran

Stuck In My Head

Dudes, I don't care what you think, this is an f-ing jam.  I think I love it because it reminds me of when the Celts bust out the disco with Gino whenever they are putting the wood to a team in the fourth quarter.



-Big Ran

How Is This the Only One I Found

I was wondering yesterday how many thousands of "Tebow and the Jets" parodies of "Bennie and the Jets" there would be.  Frankly, I can't believe there aren't hundreds of drunken Jets fans or sad Broncos fans filming themselves with an iPhone and posting it up on YouTube already.  I could only find one.

This is going to get worse before it gets better.  However, with that said, as a Patriot's fan, I am so pumped he's going to the Jets.  Sexy Rexy, Sanchez, Cromartie and his eight kids...and Tebow.  Gonna be awesome.  I only wish Hard Knocks hadn't already covered them.

-Big Ran

Stuck In My Head

This one's for KC as a belated birthday gift.  I'm cheap as f*ck.

I know Chris Brown is a f*cking psycho woman abuser; this generations Ike Turner, but I'll be damned if this track isn't on f*cking fire.

As a bonus gift to KC and because of the Rihanna reference, I introduce possibly my favorite YouTube Video of all time.  it's at least number one on this week's list.  All time, it has to be top five, right?



-Big Ran

Headline of the Year Candidate

Menacing-looking artificial vaginas now sold at Walgreens

MSN - Drugstores. They're a great catch-all place for those random things that make errands lists. Things like toothpaste, shampoo or artificial vaginas. Yes, Walgreens is now appealing to the man who wants anonymity in his sex toy purchases, and thus, available only on its website, is the Tenga Flip Hole for Male Masturbation. For only $77.99 ($12 off!) you can own a fake vagina "designed to be the best male masturbator," "deliberately not a simple artificial vagina" and featuring an "astonishing complex inside shape." Shipping is free, so beat a path to the site soon.

I feel like we just covered this.  Would a banana fit in there?  Because if not, God will be pissed.

-Big Ran

Get Me This Game or I Will Throw a Tantrum

Evangelistic, educational, entertaining. 

At last, a board game that reveals the insanity of perhaps the greatest hoax of our times -- the unscientific "theory of evolution."

"Intelligent Design vs Evolution" is unique in that the playing pieces are small rubber brains and each team plays for "brain" cards. Each player uses his or her brains to get more brains, and the team with the most brains wins. It has been designed to make people think . . . and that's exactly what it does.

"Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron are doing much more than revealing the bankruptcy of molecules-to-man evolution. They have a greater purpose: proclaiming biblical authority and reaching the lost with the precious gospel message. Enjoy this wonderful family game as you also become better equipped to defend our precious Christian faith."
-- Ken Ham, President, Answers in Genesis. 


http://www.intelligentdesignversusevolution.com/

Stop the f*cking presses.  Let's get this straight.  Someone better go into my Amazon.com wishlist and buy me this game before I lose my f*cking mind.  Are you telling me I could be learning about the biggest hoax of our times in an Evangelistic, educational, and entertaining way and I'm not?  I'm sitting here reading Charles Darwin's "On the Origin of Species," trying my damnedest to disprove it with prayer and hand-wringing when I could be playing a game?  Score one for the good guys because it looks like my prayers were answered!  Suck it scientists!  Who's smart now?  I am, because I am learning FACTS like these:

 "True or False? Prehistoric man may have sometimes lived in caves." "False. […] Since the first man is mentioned in the Bible's historical record, there has never been a prehistoric man."  

Next time you think evolution is, you know, a scientific fact, just watch this video:

BOOM!  Ridges of the banana fit perfectly into your hand to make a hilarious and delicious hand gesture for intercourse.  Ipso, fatso, fact, no evolution.  I don't know how much more straightforward it could be.

-Big Ran

6'8" Person Dunks Basketball - Most Boring Headline Ever

So this we are getting the news of Brittney Griner dunking a basketball crammed down our throats because she is the second woman to ever dunk in an NCAA game.  Can I just state the obvious here?  She's six foot f*cking eight inches tall.  The news should be every time she doesn't dunk a basketball.  I'm not examining this like the Zapruder film, but I think she got about 12 inches off the ground.  I didn't get on Sports Center every time my buddies and I lowered a hoop to eight feet and had a dunk contest.  And our sh!t was hot.  Reverses, self-passes, off the backboard; everything short of jumping over Kia's.

There is no doubt that Griner is a very unique women's player and a major defensive presence, but let's be honest, anyone who thinks she could play in the NBA is outside of their minds.  I don't think a match uop with Blake Griffin would go too well.



-Big Ran

Stuck In My Head

Why?  I don't know.  Maybe I heard it on the radio yesterday.  Happy Hump Day, bitches.

-Big Ran

Can We Talk About the 400 Pound Gorilla In the Room?

400-pound gorilla escapes, bites zookeeper at Buffalo Zoo

BUFFALO, New York (Reuters) - A 400-pound adult male gorilla escaped his cage at the Buffalo Zoo on Monday, biting a female zookeeper before being tranquilized and captured in what a SWAT team leader called, "the scariest thing I've ever done."

Zoo officials said Koga, a 24-year-old silverback gorilla, took advantage of an unlocked door in his living quarters on Monday morning and slipped into the space behind it, used by zoo personnel but closed to the public.

A keeper who has cared for Koga since he arrived in 2007 was bitten on her hand and calf, in what officials said was an act of excitement rather than aggression.

"He was probably just as surprised coming face to face with her as she was with him," Buffalo Zoo President Donna Fernandes said.

The keeper, whose name was not released, took refuge inside the habitat of a female gorilla and her newborn baby, Fernandes said. The keeper had a good relationship with the mother who, like Koga, is a West Lowland gorilla, native to West Africa and the Congo River Basin, she said.

Meanwhile, police sent in the SWAT team to secure the area while a veterinarian used a handheld blow pipe to sedate Koga through a porthole.

Visitors to the zoo were moved indoors and stayed there throughout the roughly 45-minute ordeal -- the zoo's first escape, Fernandes said.

"That was the scariest thing I've ever done in my career," said SWAT team captain Mark Maraschiello.

"It's a 400 pound animal that's capable of who knows what. He could rip your arm out of its socket," Maraschiello said.

The sedated gorilla was dragged by zoo staff back to his habitat once the drugs took hold, about 15 minutes after they were administered.

The keeper's decision to lock herself inside the separate habitat likely kept her from being further harmed, according to officials at the zoo. Several locked doors kept Koga from running amok through the zoo and beyond.

Fernandes promised an investigation into how Koga escaped.

"I'm sure it was very dramatic for (the zoo keeper) and for all the keepers. It was pins and needles," she said.

The wounded zookeeper was undergoing an evaluation at a nearby hospital but her injuries were not considered serious.

Koga was born at the Bronx Zoo in New York City and transferred in 1994 to the Memphis Zoo before landing in Buffalo. Fernandes said he has no history of unusual aggression. 

If I was stuck in a Buffalo zoo, you bet your ass I'd do everything in my power to escape too.  Imagine if you were a 400 pound gorilla and you could be in the San Diego Zoo, but you're stuck in Buffalo.  That's like the safety school of zoos.  He had been in the Bronx Zoo, so at least he had sweet nightlife.  Memphis Zoo?  At least that's a party zoo.  Warm weather and slutty sorority gorillas there.  Now he's in the Buffalo Zoo.  28 feet of snow a year and a bunch of female gorillas that just sit around watching the Bills and eating wings.  That sh!t would get old real quick.

-Big Ran