Dancing With the Mutha F*ckin' Stars

Originally inspired by KC's DWTS primer then even further motivated because what I wrote was so friggin' awesome, here is my instant reaction to the season 14 cast (alphabetically).  Just like last time, no research, just straight from the dome...

1.  Gavin DeGraw, Musician - all I know about him is his infectious jam "I Don't Want to Be" that was the theme song for One Tree Hill.  Yes, I watched that show for like 5 seasons with my wife.  Don't judge me.  Actually, go ahead and judge me, I deserve it.  He must have a sesne of rhythm, but can he shake it?  My guess will be middle of the pack.

2.  Donald Driver, Wide Receiver, Green Bay Packers - I had him on my fantasy football team for like three years in a row.  Always a solid receiver, older vet, he is dieseled, and always seemed like a really good dude in interviews.  Can he move?  I say yes...In the mix to take home that ugly-ass trophy.



3.  Roshon Fegan, Disney Star - Holy Sh!t...We are all dumber for having watched the following video.



4.  Melissa GIlbert, Actress - OK, I know I said no research, but you HAVE to read this from her Wikipedia page:

Nip slip?  Daddy like.

At 17, she reconnected with then little-known actor Rob Lowe, also 17. They had met briefly when they were about 14. In 1981, Melissa, in her convertible, saw Lowe stopped next to her at a red light. Gilbert dated Lowe on-and-off for six years. During this time, both had affairs with other famous people. Melissa dated Tom Cruise, John Cusack, Scott Baio, and Billy Idol. After Lowe's failed romance with Princess Stéphanie, he suddenly proposed to Gilbert. While making wedding plans, Gilbert found out she was pregnant. Upon being informed of the pregnancy, Lowe ended their relationship. Gilbert miscarried days later.

Heart-broken, Gilbert left for New York City to star in the play A Shayna Maidel. Gilbert was set up with actor Bo Brinkman, a cousin of actors Randy Quaid and Dennis Quaid. The couple married on February 22, 1988, only seven weeks after she ended her relationship with Rob Lowe. Gilbert became pregnant months later. US Magazine featured a very pregnant Gilbert wrapped in a sheer sheet and named her one of "America's Ten Most Beautiful Women" in 1988. On May 1, 1989, she gave birth to Dakota Paul Brinkman. After Dakota's birth, the couple began to have marital problems and divorced in 1992.

Only weeks after Gilbert's divorce filing, Bruce Boxleitner's ex-wife (Kathryn Holcomb) set Bruce up with Gilbert. Holcomb by then was married to actor Ian Ogilvy. Gilbert had met Boxleitner as a teenager when they both were on Battle of the Network Stars when Gilbert introduced herself, as she had a pin-up of him in her locker. But Boxleitner ignored her, as she was a teen and he was many years older than she was. After re-connecting, the couple started dating on-and-off for over a year. They were engaged twice and Boxleitner broke up with her each time. After re-uniting for a third time, they finally married on January 1, 1995 in her mother's living room. Gilbert quickly became pregnant, but went into premature labor more than two months before her due date. She gave birth to a son, Michael Garrett Boxleitner, named in honor of Michael Landon, on October 6, 1995. His middle name is in honor of Garret Peckinpah, her friend Sandy Peckinpah's son, who had died suddenly of meningitis at age 16.

Gilbert is also stepmother to Boxleitner's two sons with Holcomb, Sam (b. 1980) and Lee (b. 1985).

She has battled alcoholism and drug abuse, which she wrote about in her 2009 autobiography.

On July 22, 2010, Gilbert underwent surgery to replace a disc as well as fuse a vertebra in her lower spine. The surgery was described as a complete success. While playing the role of Caroline "Ma" Ingalls in the touring musical Little House on the Prairie, a visit to the doctor revealed that she had been working with a broken back for months.

On March 1, 2011, Gilbert announced that she and Boxleitner had separated. On August 22, 2011, Gilbert filed for divorce from Boxleitner.

If someone made that up, they are a genius and I need them to write me a Lifetime movie ASAP.  Awesome.  She's also an iron-clad guarantee to bang her dance partner, right?

5.  Katherine Jenkins, Opera Singer - I had to look this up because I had no idea who she was.  Well, she's an opera singer from Wales.  That's what Welsh opera singers look like?  Huh.  See you guys later.

6.  Gladys Knight, Singer/Musical Legend - she has to be the biggest all time star on this list.  I'm guessing she'll stick around a couple of weeks, but, she may a bit long in the tooth to really get down.

7.  William Levy, Actor on Univision or something - This one's for the ladies (or dudes who like dudes).

8.  Maria Menounos, Entertainment TV Host - also could have put attention-seeking, fraudulent Boston sports fan.  She really irritates the hell out of me for some reason, but hey, she looks good.  Dude, her and the female host of DWTS are probably going to HATE each other because they basically do the same exact thing.

9.  Martina Navratilova, Tennis Hall of Famer - again, she may be someone a bit old to really get down and challenge for the trophy, but she was one of the best tennis players in history, so she may have something up her sleeve.

10.  Sherri Shepherd, The View - Check out these before and afters:

Is that really the same person?  I don't know what's real anymore.  Leap Day is totally f*cking with me.

11.  Jack Wagner, Actor - This guy is in soap operas.  Oh, and he also did this...

12.  Jaleel White, Actor (?) - we all know him as Urkle and this dude is my dark horse pick to win it all.  Peep his moves:



-Big Ran

DWTS Follow Up

I felt that I needed to make a separate post on my reaction to KC's DWTS blog today, because, well, that sh!t was a dissertation on the upcoming 2011 season.  Honestly, she broke that down like a pre season analysis of the NBA Eastern Conference.  She inspired me to do one as well, but rather than being well informed, I want to expose my ignorance as well as make fun of people.  I am not going to do any research for this whatsoever; straight from the dome.  Let's get started.

First of all, I have definitely seen DWTS before.  I don't think I've ever seen an entire season, but as my wife will tell you, I can predict what each judge will score the dance as well as their comments with exact precision.  BTW, huge fan of Carrie Ann Inaba, who at 41 is officially a cougar, right?  I'll take it in the same order as KC.

1.  David Arquette - Woof.  ABC must be STRUGG-A-LING to get anyone with any star appeal.  He brings absolutely nothing to the table.  He's a crappy actor, has a cheesy stache, and I don't think he's married to Courtney Cox anymore.  What's the point?  I would say he would be one of the worst to start, but this is a shallow pool this year.

2.  J.R. Martinez - never heard of him, but he's a soap opera star.  Is this Kelly Ripa's husband?  BTW, she's gross.  I wonder if her husband is a closet pedophile, because she has the body of a 10 year old.  Allegedly, he was in the military.  He'll stick around because he's a vet and is probably dreamy.  He's there for the ladies (and dudes who like dudes).

3.  Ron Artest - say what you want, but he's the biggest name on this list.  I may be biased because I am a sports fan and Ron is nuts.  However, as nuts as he is, he's fairly charming.  Ath;etes tend to do fairly well and I bet he sticks around for a while.  He'll get into it.  I also just heard that his request to change his name to Metta World Peace was temporarily denied because he has unpaid parking tickets.  This should work out well.

4.  Hope Solo - we've debated her looks on these pages, so this should be interesting.  She was America's sweetheart for the five minutes Americans care about soccer during the world cup.  I also heard that she has said she is not a good dancer.  She'll last a few weeks AND be linked romantically to whoever she dances with.

5.  Ricki Lake - I have no idea what she's been doing since her tv show; I would assume eating deep fried turkeys.  Was she big (no pun intended) during the Monica Lewinski action?  I feel like she had her and Linda Tripp on.  Maybe she just reminds me of Monica Lewinski.  I bet she makes a big push and contends in hopes of getting her career back and getting into shape.

6.  Rob Kardashian - What was he, like the 7th choice in the family?  Don't get a long term rental because you won't last long.  Kick rocks bro.

7.  Kristen Cavalleri - She was on that MTV pseudo reality show, don't remember the name.  She use to be cute, but vapid.  Now she's anorexic and vapid.  Not a good combo.  She has that look going where her head looks way too big for her emaciated body.  She won't last long because she will be too self-conscious.  She just broke up with Bears QB, Jay Cutler, who has to be one of the biggest douche cry babies in sports.

8.  Nancy Grace - She has to be one of the worst people in the world, right?  Like, at least the most nauseating.  I am starting to think she somehow masterminds the murders of blonde women in Bermuda just so she can have a show and yell at me through the tv.

9.  Carson Kressley - I remember him from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy."  He was by far the gayest guy on the show, which is saying something.  My wife tells me he is now on a show called, "How to Look Good Naked."  I say this in complete seriousness:  I think it would be interesting that if they had a gay "star," and matched him up with a gay male dancer.  I know Middle America would implode and Michele Bachmann would blame another natural disaster on it happening, but wouldn't there be more chemistry?  I don't know.  I'm just spit balling here. 

10.  Chaz Bono - I learned a lot on this one.  OK, so HE use to be a SHE AND was the daughter of Sonny and Cher.  Wow.  So much going on here.  He now has a girlfriend that at least appears to be a woman with all her original equipment.  Just a quick personal note: my sophomore year of college I had some friends visiting so everyone ripped a ton of beers.  I ended up passing out on the couch in a friends room and woke up around 5 AM to a Cher video for "Love After Love" or "Life After Love," whatever that song was and it scared the sh!t out of me.  

11.  Chynna Phillips - That YouTube vido KC linked to?  Not a good look.  The following picture?  A very good look and I definitely didn't expect it.

12.  Elisabetta Canalis - She is definitely only on because she was George Clooney's dick puppet, but I guess when you have the likes of Chaz Bono, Nancy Grace, and Ricki Lake on, you need a little boner fodder.  Can she dance?  I have no idea, but I agree with KC, she'll get boner votes and stick around a few weeks.

-Big Ran