Dancing With the Mutha F*ckin' Stars

Originally inspired by KC's DWTS primer then even further motivated because what I wrote was so friggin' awesome, here is my instant reaction to the season 14 cast (alphabetically).  Just like last time, no research, just straight from the dome...

1.  Gavin DeGraw, Musician - all I know about him is his infectious jam "I Don't Want to Be" that was the theme song for One Tree Hill.  Yes, I watched that show for like 5 seasons with my wife.  Don't judge me.  Actually, go ahead and judge me, I deserve it.  He must have a sesne of rhythm, but can he shake it?  My guess will be middle of the pack.

2.  Donald Driver, Wide Receiver, Green Bay Packers - I had him on my fantasy football team for like three years in a row.  Always a solid receiver, older vet, he is dieseled, and always seemed like a really good dude in interviews.  Can he move?  I say yes...In the mix to take home that ugly-ass trophy.



3.  Roshon Fegan, Disney Star - Holy Sh!t...We are all dumber for having watched the following video.



4.  Melissa GIlbert, Actress - OK, I know I said no research, but you HAVE to read this from her Wikipedia page:

Nip slip?  Daddy like.

At 17, she reconnected with then little-known actor Rob Lowe, also 17. They had met briefly when they were about 14. In 1981, Melissa, in her convertible, saw Lowe stopped next to her at a red light. Gilbert dated Lowe on-and-off for six years. During this time, both had affairs with other famous people. Melissa dated Tom Cruise, John Cusack, Scott Baio, and Billy Idol. After Lowe's failed romance with Princess Stéphanie, he suddenly proposed to Gilbert. While making wedding plans, Gilbert found out she was pregnant. Upon being informed of the pregnancy, Lowe ended their relationship. Gilbert miscarried days later.

Heart-broken, Gilbert left for New York City to star in the play A Shayna Maidel. Gilbert was set up with actor Bo Brinkman, a cousin of actors Randy Quaid and Dennis Quaid. The couple married on February 22, 1988, only seven weeks after she ended her relationship with Rob Lowe. Gilbert became pregnant months later. US Magazine featured a very pregnant Gilbert wrapped in a sheer sheet and named her one of "America's Ten Most Beautiful Women" in 1988. On May 1, 1989, she gave birth to Dakota Paul Brinkman. After Dakota's birth, the couple began to have marital problems and divorced in 1992.

Only weeks after Gilbert's divorce filing, Bruce Boxleitner's ex-wife (Kathryn Holcomb) set Bruce up with Gilbert. Holcomb by then was married to actor Ian Ogilvy. Gilbert had met Boxleitner as a teenager when they both were on Battle of the Network Stars when Gilbert introduced herself, as she had a pin-up of him in her locker. But Boxleitner ignored her, as she was a teen and he was many years older than she was. After re-connecting, the couple started dating on-and-off for over a year. They were engaged twice and Boxleitner broke up with her each time. After re-uniting for a third time, they finally married on January 1, 1995 in her mother's living room. Gilbert quickly became pregnant, but went into premature labor more than two months before her due date. She gave birth to a son, Michael Garrett Boxleitner, named in honor of Michael Landon, on October 6, 1995. His middle name is in honor of Garret Peckinpah, her friend Sandy Peckinpah's son, who had died suddenly of meningitis at age 16.

Gilbert is also stepmother to Boxleitner's two sons with Holcomb, Sam (b. 1980) and Lee (b. 1985).

She has battled alcoholism and drug abuse, which she wrote about in her 2009 autobiography.

On July 22, 2010, Gilbert underwent surgery to replace a disc as well as fuse a vertebra in her lower spine. The surgery was described as a complete success. While playing the role of Caroline "Ma" Ingalls in the touring musical Little House on the Prairie, a visit to the doctor revealed that she had been working with a broken back for months.

On March 1, 2011, Gilbert announced that she and Boxleitner had separated. On August 22, 2011, Gilbert filed for divorce from Boxleitner.

If someone made that up, they are a genius and I need them to write me a Lifetime movie ASAP.  Awesome.  She's also an iron-clad guarantee to bang her dance partner, right?

5.  Katherine Jenkins, Opera Singer - I had to look this up because I had no idea who she was.  Well, she's an opera singer from Wales.  That's what Welsh opera singers look like?  Huh.  See you guys later.

6.  Gladys Knight, Singer/Musical Legend - she has to be the biggest all time star on this list.  I'm guessing she'll stick around a couple of weeks, but, she may a bit long in the tooth to really get down.

7.  William Levy, Actor on Univision or something - This one's for the ladies (or dudes who like dudes).

8.  Maria Menounos, Entertainment TV Host - also could have put attention-seeking, fraudulent Boston sports fan.  She really irritates the hell out of me for some reason, but hey, she looks good.  Dude, her and the female host of DWTS are probably going to HATE each other because they basically do the same exact thing.

9.  Martina Navratilova, Tennis Hall of Famer - again, she may be someone a bit old to really get down and challenge for the trophy, but she was one of the best tennis players in history, so she may have something up her sleeve.

10.  Sherri Shepherd, The View - Check out these before and afters:

Is that really the same person?  I don't know what's real anymore.  Leap Day is totally f*cking with me.

11.  Jack Wagner, Actor - This guy is in soap operas.  Oh, and he also did this...

12.  Jaleel White, Actor (?) - we all know him as Urkle and this dude is my dark horse pick to win it all.  Peep his moves:



-Big Ran

DWTS Follow Up

I felt that I needed to make a separate post on my reaction to KC's DWTS blog today, because, well, that sh!t was a dissertation on the upcoming 2011 season.  Honestly, she broke that down like a pre season analysis of the NBA Eastern Conference.  She inspired me to do one as well, but rather than being well informed, I want to expose my ignorance as well as make fun of people.  I am not going to do any research for this whatsoever; straight from the dome.  Let's get started.

First of all, I have definitely seen DWTS before.  I don't think I've ever seen an entire season, but as my wife will tell you, I can predict what each judge will score the dance as well as their comments with exact precision.  BTW, huge fan of Carrie Ann Inaba, who at 41 is officially a cougar, right?  I'll take it in the same order as KC.

1.  David Arquette - Woof.  ABC must be STRUGG-A-LING to get anyone with any star appeal.  He brings absolutely nothing to the table.  He's a crappy actor, has a cheesy stache, and I don't think he's married to Courtney Cox anymore.  What's the point?  I would say he would be one of the worst to start, but this is a shallow pool this year.

2.  J.R. Martinez - never heard of him, but he's a soap opera star.  Is this Kelly Ripa's husband?  BTW, she's gross.  I wonder if her husband is a closet pedophile, because she has the body of a 10 year old.  Allegedly, he was in the military.  He'll stick around because he's a vet and is probably dreamy.  He's there for the ladies (and dudes who like dudes).

3.  Ron Artest - say what you want, but he's the biggest name on this list.  I may be biased because I am a sports fan and Ron is nuts.  However, as nuts as he is, he's fairly charming.  Ath;etes tend to do fairly well and I bet he sticks around for a while.  He'll get into it.  I also just heard that his request to change his name to Metta World Peace was temporarily denied because he has unpaid parking tickets.  This should work out well.

4.  Hope Solo - we've debated her looks on these pages, so this should be interesting.  She was America's sweetheart for the five minutes Americans care about soccer during the world cup.  I also heard that she has said she is not a good dancer.  She'll last a few weeks AND be linked romantically to whoever she dances with.

5.  Ricki Lake - I have no idea what she's been doing since her tv show; I would assume eating deep fried turkeys.  Was she big (no pun intended) during the Monica Lewinski action?  I feel like she had her and Linda Tripp on.  Maybe she just reminds me of Monica Lewinski.  I bet she makes a big push and contends in hopes of getting her career back and getting into shape.

6.  Rob Kardashian - What was he, like the 7th choice in the family?  Don't get a long term rental because you won't last long.  Kick rocks bro.

7.  Kristen Cavalleri - She was on that MTV pseudo reality show, don't remember the name.  She use to be cute, but vapid.  Now she's anorexic and vapid.  Not a good combo.  She has that look going where her head looks way too big for her emaciated body.  She won't last long because she will be too self-conscious.  She just broke up with Bears QB, Jay Cutler, who has to be one of the biggest douche cry babies in sports.

8.  Nancy Grace - She has to be one of the worst people in the world, right?  Like, at least the most nauseating.  I am starting to think she somehow masterminds the murders of blonde women in Bermuda just so she can have a show and yell at me through the tv.

9.  Carson Kressley - I remember him from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy."  He was by far the gayest guy on the show, which is saying something.  My wife tells me he is now on a show called, "How to Look Good Naked."  I say this in complete seriousness:  I think it would be interesting that if they had a gay "star," and matched him up with a gay male dancer.  I know Middle America would implode and Michele Bachmann would blame another natural disaster on it happening, but wouldn't there be more chemistry?  I don't know.  I'm just spit balling here. 

10.  Chaz Bono - I learned a lot on this one.  OK, so HE use to be a SHE AND was the daughter of Sonny and Cher.  Wow.  So much going on here.  He now has a girlfriend that at least appears to be a woman with all her original equipment.  Just a quick personal note: my sophomore year of college I had some friends visiting so everyone ripped a ton of beers.  I ended up passing out on the couch in a friends room and woke up around 5 AM to a Cher video for "Love After Love" or "Life After Love," whatever that song was and it scared the sh!t out of me.  

11.  Chynna Phillips - That YouTube vido KC linked to?  Not a good look.  The following picture?  A very good look and I definitely didn't expect it.

12.  Elisabetta Canalis - She is definitely only on because she was George Clooney's dick puppet, but I guess when you have the likes of Chaz Bono, Nancy Grace, and Ricki Lake on, you need a little boner fodder.  Can she dance?  I have no idea, but I agree with KC, she'll get boner votes and stick around a few weeks.

-Big Ran

Dancin' Machines & Queens...

Well, the moment I had been anxiously awaiting finally arrived last night when ABC announced the roster for "Dancing With The Stars" 13th season. I am both excited, disgusted, and perplexed with the lineup. I'd like to take this opportunity to present the list & of course comment on it. Take a look at the article below from People.com and find my commentary at the bottom:

The new cast of Dancing with the Stars was plucked from the headlines of show business and sports.

Chaz Bono, David Arquette and Kristin Cavallari will join legal analyst Nancy Grace and soccer star Hope Solo in pursuit of the mirror ball trophy on Season 13, ABC announced Monday.

The 12-member lineup, revealed live during the Bachelor Pad telecast, also includes George Clooney's recent ex Elisabetta Canalis, NBA star Ron Artest, actress Ricki Lake, singer Chynna Phillips, reality star (and brother to Kim) Rob Kardashian, Queer Eye's Carson Kressley, and soap star and Iraqi war veteran J.R. Martinez.

"Doing this show is an opportunity for me to reach a larger more mainstream audience with just a simple message of being transgender is okay and not something to be scared of," Bono, the show's first transgender contestant, tells PEOPLE.

Grace says she thought she was dreaming when she got the call to participate on the show.

"I feel like Cinderella that got invited to the ball. I don’t know how to dance," she admits. "I don't know what I’m going to wear, but I know I have been invited!"

Arquette says that when he asked his 7-year-old daughter Coco what she thought of him doing Dancing with the Stars, "She said, 'Well, my initial thought is no.'"

Laughing, he added, "I talked to her recently after I decided to do it and she said, 'I'm all right with it.'"

The contestants, whose professional dancer pairings will be announced Wednesday on Good Morning America, will square off on the live Sept. 19 season premiere. 


Ok, so I have to preface this by saying that yes, I watch this show and I enjoy it (well, at least some of it). But, it's official, it now has NO business being called "Dancing With The Stars". Because the only legit 'stars' (and we're not even claiming they are "A-Listers") are few and far between. 

My first grouping contains the 'stars' (a stretch in many instances); people who are in the public eye because of talent, not because of reality television, gossip mags, and/or sex changes after riding the coattails of their parents. Let's examine this list, one by one:

1. David Arquette: Wow David, you better enjoy this, it might be the first and last time that you are considered the biggest star of any group you are a part of. Sadly, that's what we're dealing with here. He's a legit actor (I guess, even though I only know him as "Officer Dewey" from the life changing "Scream" movie series) and obviously his relevance is fading fast, so we'll let him slide with minimal punishment.  
Prediction: He'll be gone by week 5.
*I'm excited because I think it's going to be a disaster!

Nice 'stache!

2. J.R. Martinez: Ok, so he's a soap star & we all know that only the best of the best thespians acquire & retain roles on daytime television (can you feel the sarcasm?). Still, he's an actor, a 'star' if you will, and people know him. I would argue that he's a bigger star because he's also an Iraqi War Veteran, and he definitely gave of himself for our country, but that's neither here nor there right now. However, it will get him the sympathy vote. Every season has a contestant placed for the sympathy vote. Once it was Heather Mills and her wooden leg, then it was Marlee Matlin & her deafness, and of course there was Cloris Leachman, who garnered sympathy simply because she was a crazy, demented old cat lady. 
*I am happy with this selection

3. Ron Artest: He's legit....not a 'star' in the sense of acting (although some of his antics during his tenure in the public eye as an NBA star are certainly worthy of an award), but a well known athlete. He's got an NBA Championship Ring and is also the recipient of the NBA's "Citizenship Award" for 2010-2011, so I'm fine with him. He's one of the few reasons why I'll be excited to watch. Plus, you know that we're HUGE Artest fans here at "The Takeover".
Prediction: He will make it deep into the competition, but his NBA career will suffer once the lockout ends. Also,he might perform his hit single "Afghan Women" live at some point.
*I am excited by this selection 

4. Hope Solo: Okay, I know nothing about her as I know nothing about soccer, but she clearly does have a following and is a 'celebrity' in her own right. She arrived where she is due to talent. Question: Is she related to Hans Solo? If so, there's a bright future in store for her! Big Ran already spoke about her and I still cannot determine if she's hot or not!

5. Ricki Lake: Is NOT legit, but WAS legit many moons ago when she first came out as an actress--a real actress. This was before her real coming out party as host of "The Ricki Lake Show".  
Note: She WOULD be in the category below easy had it not been for the real acting gigs in the beginning. 


Go Ricki! Go Ricki!

....the buck stops there as far as 'Stars' are concerned. My next tier encompasses those people who aren't 'stars' because they are only on reality TV or variations thereof:

6. Rob Kardashian: I mean, his sisters at least have a clothing store they run, are models for different campaigns, and two are married to stars (Artest's teammate Lamar Odom is married to Khole while Kim recently married Kris Humphries---he plays in the NBA, it's okay if you don't know him, he looks like he could be an extra in "Planet of the Apes").  Rob doesn't have anything except his place on the family's "Keeping Up With The Kardashians". Yes, he's good looking (and yes, I'm a cougar), and yes, I will definitely be checking him out, but he's not a 'star'. He would be acceptable if the title were "Dancing With The Reality TV Stars".....Now I'm wondering who Lamar will be routing for since he's married into the family, but boys with Ron Ron....
*I am perplexed but excited by this selection

7. Kristen Cavallari: Two words: dumb blonde. Another reality TV 'star'. Truthfully, I've got nothing to say about her because I'd like to meet her in an alley with a sock full of quarters. She's the trouble with America today. Dumb b*tches getting attention for being morally vacant. 
Note: this further thickens the Kardashian plot as Kristen was linked to Brody Jenner, Bruce Jenner's (aka Mr. Kardashian's) son at one point. As expected, that relationship went very well.
Prediction: She will be bounced early!
*I am disgusted by this selection and am looking forward to a season ending injury ASAP! 

Brody and Kristen sitting in a tree...

8. Nancy Grace: Two words for her: crazy ass. I'm sure we've all seen her being mocked in clips on "The Soup", because she is simply insane. She's made a career of browbeating everyone she interviews and I see no place for her in this competition. And, now that she has her own cable show, similar to "The People's Court", she has become an even bigger joke. Hence, her placement in this category. I wonder if she'll be wearing her 'vesty pantsuits' when she performs.  
Prediction: She will be the first to go & Joel McHale is going to have a field day with this on "The Soup"!
*I am excited about this selection only because of the prediction above! 
 

  
9. Carson Kressley: Just because he's on TV fixing fashion-challenged straight men, it doesn't mean he's a star. I, personally, have never seen this show. Most of my friends have never seen it either. I think Big Ran MIGHT watch it to get some fashion tips now and again while he's jamming to Nickelback, but I'm not sure. His show, "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" is just half a step up from full blown reality television. If they were going to explore this avenue, Clinton Kelly from "What Not to Wear" would have been a FAR better choice. Note: They had to have the token gay guy on the show to help boost ratings. I have no problem with that, but how about a legit gay 'star'?
*Not a star, I am perplexed because many people have no clue who he is!

....that's it for the 'reality TV' star pool is concerned. However, you will find that these people glow in comparison to my next tier..."irrelevant has beens or coattail riders"

10. "Chaz" Bono- I'm sorry, I have put quotes around the "Chaz" because it is so frigin ridiculous to me. What a name! And, it's not like that was an unfortunate incident of parents who had bad taste (well, it was as the original name was Chastity), but he/she CHOSE this as his new name as he decided to become a man. Ok, so he's a coattail rider because the only reason why anyone knows anything about him (or her in his past live) is because he is the son of Cher & Sonny Bono. Otherwise, he'd just be another transgendered individual. If I were him, I would realize that they were using me to boost ratings and I wouldn't be okay with that. Mom has plenty of money to support him, so there's no need...but, sadly Chaz, they've "got you babe".... 
Question: Does anyone think he's living proof that you can, in fact, completely transition to the opposite sex without anyone ever questioning your gender? He looks like more of a dude than some men who were born with junk in the first place! 
Note: He will also get the sympathy vote as the show will play up his struggles as he decided to become a man. 
Prediction: Cher will be performing live as some point (or as 'live' as she can considering she is a breathing wax figure due to a love affair with cosmetic surgery). 
*I am disgusted but intrigued by this selection!

11.  Chynna Phillips: Two words: Has been. Wilson Philips called, they want their vest wearing, skinny mom jeans wearing lead singer back. Honestly, that group put out one 'relevant' (and I use that term loosely) album (most likely because of their family ties to The Mamas and The Papas) and then faded into bolivian (shout out to Mike Tyson), only to have two members resurface later on. One due to weight struggles. (Carny Wilson with her failed gastric bypass and stint on reality show "Celebrity Fit Camp")& Chynna with her involvement as sister Mackenzie Phillips revealed that their deceased father sexually abused her.  
Note: Chynna's husband, Steven Baldwin belongs on the show more than she does, and that's not saying much. 
Predictions: Wilson Phillips stages a glorious attempted comeback that will be an epic failure and they'll do it via a live performance within the first couple of weeks as she is being voted off #2. 
*I am perplexed by this selection as she appears to have the personality of a wet rag




12. Elisabetta Canalis: YAY! George Clooney's ex! Does she have an identity other than that you ask? Nope! At least not one that is worth mentioning. She's a model, but we'd be completely unaware of her had she not shacked up with G-Clo for a bit.  I don't have much to say about her other than she's only on there to fill the 'hot slot' (yup, I just made that up), and she will probably do so very successfully.  
Prediction: George Clooney will be in the audience at one point for sure AND regardless of how poorly she dances, due to her body and looks she will advance deep into the competition.Way to get male viewership up DWTS!! She's beautiful, can't deny that, but not a 'star'.
*Not a star, but I bet she'll be good to watch (if I was a man especially!)

-KC Jones

A Sad Day in Pittsburgh

Pittsburgh Post Gazette - The city of Pittsburgh will hold a rally at noon Thursday to honor Hines Ward's victory in ABC-TV's "Dancing with the Stars" competition.

The rally will be held in front of the City-County Building on Grant Street.

Mr. Ward and dance partner Kym Johnson will be present.

Fans are encouraged to wear black and gold and bring Terrible Towels to the rally.

"City residents and the Steelers Nation have contacted my office asking for the city to properly thank our hometown hero for once-again shining the spotlight on Pittsburgh," Mayor Luke Ravenstahl said.


In addition, couples are invited to highlight their dancing skills in two-minute YouTube videos for a chance to appear on stage with Mr. Ward and Ms. Johnson. No more than two dancers can appear in the video.

Videos, with the entrants' contact information, must be submitted to CityDWTScontest@gmail.com by 4 p.m. Wednesday.

City officials will pick five videos for posting on the city Facebook page. The three entrants with the most "likes" by 11 a.m. Thursday will be invited on stage for a "dance-off" to be judged by Mr. Ward, Ms. Johnson and Mr. Ravenstahl.

The three finalists will be photographed with Mr. Ward, Ms. Johnson and their Mirror Ball Trophy. Winners of the dance-off will receive autographed Hines Ward jerseys.

In addition, fans who bring non-perishable food items for the Salvation Army can enter a contest with the chance of winning a Terrible Towel signed by Mr. Ward and Ms. Johnson.


Wow.  This is honestly sad.  I always thought it was pathetic when Boston had a rally for Ray Bourque after he won a Stanley Cup with the Colorado Avalanche, but Pittsburgh has taken it to a whole new level.  This is a city who has seen the Pirates win the World Series five times (well, 3 of them were 1960 or earlier and the last was in 1979, so no one under the age of 35 could possibly remember this and I think at this point they have had 20 straight losing seasons), the Penguins just won the Stanley Cup two years ago in 2009 after winning back-to-back in 1991 and 1992, and the Steelers, who are one of the marquee franchises in the NFL, winning the Super Bowl six times including 2005 and 2008.  Its not like they haven't seen success and seen it lately.  I mean, I know they have to live in Pittsburgh and probably all have the black lung, but this is out of control.  I picture Bill Cowher standing there with a single tear streaming down his face in pure unadulterated sadness.  




-Big Ran

PS:  Don't forget your terrible towels.