Wake Up B!tches!

What a beautiful day!  Maybe 40 degrees, pouring rain, wind, it doesn't get any better than this!

-Big Ran

Loose Change

Here are a few things I wanted to cover before heading to the Cs game today.

1.  We are literally the only website in the world that contain's Jason Terry's quote, "I seen her stroke and it's all flame."  I heard this during one of those College Basketball All Star/Skills Competitions they have on ESPN every April after the national championships.  In the Spring of 1999, Jason Terry was at Arizona and lost a three point contest to a women's player.  When the sideline reporter was trying to goad him into saying something stupid about losing to a girl, that's the gem he came up with.  Smooth as silk, that Jason Terry; it has been my favorite quote since then.

2.  You have to check out the following story from the Ottawa Sun about a woman being bitten by a dog.

As a dog owner, I would feel terrible if one of my dogs bit someone and hurt them.  With that said, this woman who was bitten is so full of sh!t on every level it's amazing.  First of all, why the f*ck are you sticking your face in the face of a dog you don't know.  That's f*cking bizarro world stuff right there.  Watch the video, because I'm going point-by-point here:

*She says she wouldn't do it for $50K.  Really?  I mean, her nose is banged up in the picture with the stiches, but please.  I would take a bite from a shih tzu and stiches on my nose for $50K, just sayin'.

*It has been a really rough six months since the dog bite.  Dude.  Stitches, and $50K in six months?  Again, I'll take it.

*The picture of her busted up shnozz is rough, but again, why the f*ck would you put your face right in a dog's grill if you didn't know them?  This isn't a kid we're talking about, that's a totally different story, this is a grown ass woman.

*Dogs in beer stores and the doctor's office.  That's friggin awesome.  Canada for the win.

*The lawsuit wasn't about the money and she wouldn't have sued the dog's owner if the woman had just apologized.  My bullsh!t meter is beeping off the charts right now.  A woman that mentioned paying bills half a dozen times in two minutes wasn't looking to cash in?  Child, please.  I'm not saying I wouldn't do the same thing, but let's be f*cking real.  An apology doesn't pay the bills, honey.

*God bless plastic surgeons, huh?  Dude, I bet she has a better looking nose now than before AND got some lipo while she was in there.  I smell insurance fraud.

*Finally, what the hell does a pit bull killing a shih tzu a few days before this incident have to do with anything?  Nice editing Ottawa Sun.

-Big Ran

PS:  The Ottawa Sun wouldn't let me embed the video, so I looked for it on YouTube with the following search:  "ottawa sun woman bit by dog."

Here's the top few hits:

1. Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up (Just Awesome)

2. G20 Police Dog Bites Woman (Makes Sense)

3. Dog Bites Man (I wish this was Man Bites Dog)

4. he jump on my vagina because he gets so crazy

You know I'm not leaving here with out posting that one (it gets awesome at 1:28).  Good evening and have a pleasant tomorrow.  Apparently the dog has been vasectomied not castrated:  "He can make love, but he won't have babies."

I'm So Confused

It's diffiult to find a photo of Tebow without a helmet, but with a shirt.

NFL.com is running a photo montage of what Tim Tebow's kids would look like if he boned certain celebrities.  Of course they use the term "celebrity marriage" rather than bone, but you get my drift.  It's kind of blowing my mind that NFL.com is actually doing this and that they aren't making it a joke (other than Michele Bachmann having a bouncing baby Beiber).  Aren't you supposed to make them all a joke, a la Conan?

Let's be honest, other than Michelle Bachmann, there is no one on that list that Middle America would approve (cough, cough, racism).  Not one.  Not even Kristen Stewart because she's a vampire.  Also, as a side note, Tim Tebow should not intercorse Selena Gomez, that kid would be beat.

-Big Ran

I Just Finished an Entire Box of Tic Tacs

I mean, I probably gave like 12 of them away and the box says there are 37 in there, so I had like 25 of them.  That's normal right?  That's what most people do?  I honestly think I could have easily eaten more.  it was after lunch, so it was like dessert, but also freshened my breath.  

I stand by my decision.

-Big Ran

Super Terrific Happy Hour

Female Bodyguard Training In China Involves Bikinis, Human Centipedes

Trainees gather at the beach as they wait for the beginning of a training session for female bodyguards organised by Tianjiao Special Guard/Security Consultant Ltd. Co. in Sanya, Hainan province January 8, 2012. According to the company, a total of 20 women, mostly college graduates, participated in the training session on Sunday, which was the first open group training for female bodyguards in China. All trainees will have to undergo 8-10 months of training to develop sufficient skills to serve their clients. The company will offer the best trainee a chance to attend further study at the International Security Academy in Israel. Picture taken January 8, 2012.

China's not dumb.  I don't think they're training body guards as much as they are taking a page from Vladimir Putin's book and are starting a female army for sexy time and distraction on the way to world domination.  Watch out, the cold world may be back on.  Someone alert The Wolverines

-Big Ran

Stuck In My Head

Dudes, really weird start to this video, but it is actually their old school low budget video.

The countdown is on to see the Celts vs. the Mavs with KC tonight.  I think the Cs will win, but KC and I will probably hang out with Mark Cuban, Dirk, and JET after the game.

"I seen her stroke and it's all flame." - Jason Terry

Best quote of all time.  Period.

-Big Ran

Because I'm Suave, You Can Suck It

Eight hundred and thirty nine!

I just figured I would pass this along.  I laughed a few times.

-Big Ran

Two For One: Lunchtime Look-a-Like AND Are These People Good Looking?

Cate Blanchett VS. Anne Heche...WHO YA GOT?

F*cking Double Jeopardy here folks.  Are these ladies good looking and they look-a-like!  Two for one, buy one get one, doubleshot Tuesday, Wilford Brimley Double Boner Bonus!  Prepare to have your minds blown.

In one corner we have Cate Blanchett:

Tale of the Tape:

Name: Catherine Élise Blanchett

Birthdate: May 14, 1969 (age 42)

Birthplace:  Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

Height:  5' 8 1/2" (tall drink of water)

Known for:  Elizabeth, The Lord of the Rings, Babel, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Benjamin Button, Hanna, The Aviator

Awards: British Academy of Film and Television Arts Award for Elizabeth, Golden Globe for Elizabeth, Academy Award for The Aviator

Bonus: Extra credit for having a small uncredited roll in Hot Fuzz, funny ass movie

In the other corner, we have Anne Heche:

Tale of the Tape:

Name: Anne Celeste Heche
Birthdate: May 25, 1969 (age 42)
Birthplace: Aurora, Ohio, USA

Height:  5' 5"

Known for:  Donnie Brasco, Wag the Dog, Six days Seven Nights, Hung, dating Ellen Degeneres  

Awards: Won a Daytime Emmy in 1991, nominated for some other crap

Bonus:  Claims to have been molested by her Dad which contributed to her insanity

OK, first off, these two look alike when you check out specific pics on google.  Second of all, they were born within 11 days of each other.  Blanchett can go from looking beautiful to kind of creepy.  She;s got a bit of an unnerving smile, like she may kill you in your sleep.  Heche jumped into fame for dating Ellen Degeneres and has seen middling success.  Hung is a great show, too bad it's been cancelled.

Results...In my opinion, Cate Blanchett, good looking.  Anne Heche?  I can't figure it out.  Maybe its the Ellen thing and her self proclaimed insanity that is pushing me to say no.  Career wise, Blanchett wins in a landslide, but in an actual fight, Heche in a bloodbath.  Blanchett would have the reach, but you can't teach crazy, you have to earn it, live it.  Heche has.

-Big Ran

PS:  I know I could have put in some effort and really worked this blog, but truth be told, I got to a point and just said, "good enough."  You know the feeling.

Super Terrific Happy Hour

Damn.  Sometimes I miss travelling to Asia for work, because, once in a while, you see something so awesome it makes the 18 hour flight totally worth it.

You do you, Japan.  You crazy sons of bitches.

-Big Ran

Stuck In My Head

OK, so I have two things running circles in my head this morning. The first is this Lenovo commercial. A friend of mine mentioned it on the book last night and I cannot stop singing that troll's little jam. Sing it with me: Sorry that you lost your files...here's some fruit to make you smile woo ha woo ha.



The second is this crazy honey badger video. This is stuck in my dome because Brent Musburger must have used "Honey Badger" rather than Tyrann Mathieu's actual name in the National Championship game last night.

-Big Ran

PS: Deadspin compiled all of Musburger's "Honey Badger" references, but I can't embed it in the blog, so here's the link: Chronicling Brent Musburger's "Honey Badger" Obsession

PPS: Nick Saban may be the last person on the planet I would want to spend any time with. Imagine trying to have a few beers with him? Just a barrel of f*cking laughs.