Breaking News From God....

*Disclaimer: As with all of our posts, this is meant to be funny, and not offensive to any of our loyal readers who MAY have done what I am calling attention to below...and I'm not speaking of anyone specific as I saw at least 12 of these posts on my FB page within 10 minutes of the Patriots winning today (might be more tonight, but I haven't noticed)*

Ok, so I am a rabid NBA fan, and I become insane and irrational when I really get into the games. So, with that being said, I can understand the break from reality that occurs when your team wins. I cannot, however, understand the plethora of Facebook posts, texts, and other forms of communication, trying to insinuate or point blank say that the Patriots won today because God allowed Robert Kraft's late wife to pull some strings in Heaven. I HOPE that people are just joking with these posts, and I bet some people are, but others, I'm not so sure about.

God has a lot of things going on right now; people have cancer, people are struggling (emotionally, financially, physically, spiritually), there are wars, poverty, and illness in the world. While God may have given individuals certain gifts athletically speaking, I'm sure He could care less about the outcome of ANY sporting event. 

Plus, if He REALLY cared, Tebow and the Broncos would be heading to The Superbowl AND to Disneyworld.  Just sayin'....get it together people!

P.S. How did I miss the fact (until Big Ran posted about Tebow and Katy Perry) that Tebow is a virgin? Good for him, seriously. Good for him.

-KC Jones

Newt /Schrute 2012?

Just a quick post. My boss sent me this image the other day, and every time I look at it, I laugh harder.

Newt Gingrich & Dwight Schrute

Seriously, this should probably be a lunchtime look-a-like, but I already have one scheduled for tomorrow...plus, I needed to put this in a category of its own.

Am I the only person who thinks that the creators of "The Office" might have based Schrute off of Newt? The looks, the personality (or lack thereof), the ridiculous beliefs and proposals?

Seriously though, I'd vote for Dwight and his beet farm before I'd ever vote for Newt. Actually, maybe they should combine forces. For the love of God, I pray this country isn't faced with Newt come November.


-KC Jones

He's Got 99 Problems....Healthcode Violations Being Some!

Jay-Z’s 40/40 Club was shut down for a slew of health-code violations just a day after its celebrity-drenched $10 million relaunch -- and now it faces a dreaded “C” grade, The Post has learned.

An inspector found perishable food at dangerously warm temperatures inside the walk-in refrigerator and discovered “hot” food left out on the counter on Thursday, Health Department sources said.

A worker was also seen mixing salsa with his bare hands.

The refrigerator was at a rancid 60 degrees instead of 41 -- jeopardizing the safety of 50 pounds of raw chicken wings, 5 pounds of raw shrimp and 100 turkey burgers, the sources said.

Five pounds of cooked mashed potatoes, meanwhile, were left out at a temperature of 89 degrees, while 10 pounds of cooked rice and 50 turkey burgers were kept at 67 degrees.

All the hot foods should be at least 140 degrees, the sources said.

The club’s restaurant was immediately closed, and new patrons were barred from entering. Those already inside were allowed to remain.

“If you have a walk-in place with food like this, you put a hell of a lot of people at risk,” said the source. “A night of dinner and dancing should not include the risk of contracting food-borne illness.”

The nightspot corrected the problem and was cleared for business last night.

Click for more on this story from the New York Post

Ummmm...just some comments and questions:

Why was someone mixing salsa with their hands? Bare hands or not, I tend to think mixing with utensils would be the better and easier option. Gross.  Also, good thing I wasn't planning on going to the 40/40 Club -- I've spent my entire life without food poisoning, and I'd love to keep it that way.  The Takeover would like to advise Jigga to stick with rapping and Rocawear. HOV!

-KC Jones

The Big Payback...Revenge

The last time these two teams faced off in the playoffs, the Ravens absolutely manhandled the Pats.  Over the last few years they have typically played games that went down to the wire with the Pats sneaking them out.  As much as I want to hate the Ravens because Suggs and Ray Lewis are outspoken maniacs, they are just too damn good and tough not to respect.  Plus, honestly, I could listen to Ray Lewis talk all day long.  I wish I could have him hang around my office just to get me pumped up to process TPS reports or at home when I have to work on some home improvement project.  Have Ray Ray just get me amped up and want to run through walls.

With that said, I want the Pats to win this game and win it soundly.  I do, however, think it is going to be a tough one.  I'm not getting into analysis, you can go a million other places to hear the same exact thing about containing Ray Rice, running the no huddle, and the desire of both teams to win this game and get to the Super Bowl.  I'm not going to do that.  You'll get my prediction, then some Ray Lewis and Gronk clips, because I would pay to have the two of them hang out with video cameras present.

My guess:  Pats 27 Ravens 20.

Advantage: Gronk.  His "questionable/awesome" press was twitpics with a porn star.  That beats going on trial for murder/obstruction of justice any day of the week.

-Big Ran

*KC Jones' comments: I have to agree with Big Ran that I too could listen to Ray Lewis talk all day long. If you haven't had a chance to hear him speak, I suggest you take a listen. It's frigin unreal! He also has some pretty nasty dance moves---He's clearly insane and if it weren't for the NFL, he's be in jail or a backup dancer in a rap video.

Irrational Rant....Show Us Your "O" Face....

I have to say, I despise Oprah Winfrey. I will be adding her to this year's "World Population (Control) Day" list. I've never liked her, ever. I feel like she exudes some sort of subliminal control over innocent women and, like Ryan Seacrest, I'm pretty sure she is plotting a hostile takeover of the world. I blogged some time back indicating that I didn't care for her, and now, after a recent revelation, I'd just like to present further proof for anyone who would like to TRY to argue that she is NOT the most egotistical human being in existence:

Exhibit A (through Z): The woman not only has a magazine that she NAMED after herself, but EVERY MONTH it is HER picture on the cover. Are you serious? How highly would you have to think of yourself to feature your OWN picture on the cover of your magazine EVERY SINGLE MONTH? I realized this the other day at the gym and I became probably irrationally enraged, but I don't care. I'm entitled. And, naturally she uses the magazine to stroke her own ego. Gotta have stories about "Oprah's School In Africa" and "Trust Your Gut" because Oprah says "It's Never Wrong".

Add this to the fact that she also has a television network named after herself, and the fact that she basically threw herself a going away party as her originial talk show was going off the air, and I don't know how anyone can try to defend her against my accusations.

For those of you who might say, "She's charitable" and blah blah blah...I'll give you that--with a friendly reminder that she does all of it with PLENTY of media attention directed towards her. Her audience members get their gifts on national television. She has camera crews following her for her other endeavors.  To me, it means more and is with greater sincerity when it's done under the radar. And granted, sometimes, for people in positions like hers, it's nearly impossible to do things under the radar. But, she also makes sure to give HERSELF plenty of press and accolades on a regular basis.

I, for one, couldn't be happier to know that Ellen DeGeneres is on television in place of her now.

What's better than ONE Oprah? Yup, obviously TWO!

-KC Jones

Big Ran Note: From one of my all time favorite movies, this MUST be included:



*Big Ran Update:  Terrible, terrible oversight on my part.  I can't believe I let this happen...

Dave Gets Oprah Pregnant

www.comedycentral.com

Buy Chappelle's Show DVDs Black Comedy True Hollywood Story

I should get suspended without pay for leaving a Chappelle Show reference out.  For shame.  For shame.  I disgrace my famiry!  A double shot to make up for it!

Pixie Stereotypes - Asian Pixie

www.comedycentral.com

Buy Chappelle's Show DVDs Black Comedy True Hollywood Story

Enjoy the Weekend Like This Guy, but Get a Designated Driver

Police Find Lancaster Town Manager Drunk, Passed Out On Car

WESTBOROUGH (CBS) – Pictures show Lancaster Town Administrator Orlando Pacheco passed out on the hood of his car back in August after he had too much to drink.

To make matters worse, police say Pacheco drove drunk from a strip club in Worcester all the way to a Mobil station on Route 9 in Westborough until he couldn’t drive anymore.

“When I arrived on scene he was unconscious on the hood of his car, his pants were around his ankles,” says Westborough Police officer Steve Reale.

He had also vomited on himself.

According to a police report, once police were able to wake Pacheco up and get him off the hood of his car he said, “I’m the town manager in Lancaster.”

After he failed three sobriety tests he said, “I’m having a really bad night.”

“I’m actually surprised and shocked he made it to where he was without an accident,” said officer Reale.

The 33-year-old town administrator refused a breathalyzer and was arrested.

Under Melanie’s Law he should have lost his license for 180 days, but he’s been granted a hardship license which allows him to drive.

At Lancaster Town Hall no one is talking.

Pacheco’s still working as the leader of the community, but long-time residents think that should change.

Pacheco is allowed to drive from eight in the morning until eight at night.

WBZ reached out to Pacheco, the Chairman of the Board of Selectman and the town’s attorney for comment.

No one returned our calls.

Just as a note, when this song was on the radio a lot, my wife (girlfriend at the time), asked me if this song was about a strip club. Why? Because she thought the lyrics were: "Everbody in the club getting tits." Awesome. My girl hood.

-Big Ran

KC Jones note: We owe it to Luda to give him mad props here...and yes Big Ran, Mrs. Big Ran is hood...'comin' out swingin like Tiger Woods wife'....

This Is What I'm Talkin' 'Bout!

Messy desks in the office can actually lead employees to think more clearly, say researchers

Daily Mail - Managers and office busybodies might be keen on a clean desk - but it seems that in terms of productivity, they could have it all wrong.

A messy desk can actually lead people towards clearer thinking, say researchers from Germany. 

The researchers found in a series of linked studies - using a messy desk and a messy shop front - that people actually thought more clearly when all around was chaos, as they sought to simplify the tasks at hand. 

Visual and mental clutter forces human beings to focus and think more clearly. 

Famous thinkers and writers such as Albert Einstein (pictured) and Roald Dahl have been notorious for their untidy desks.

'Messy desks may not be as detrimental as they appear to be, as the problem-solving approaches they seem to cause can boost work efficiency or enhance employees' creativity in problem solving,' say the authors. 

Oddly, the effect seems to work most on conservatives - political liberals are less liable to be worried about mess in the first place, say the researchers. 

'Business and government managers often promote 'clean desk' policies to avoid disorganized offices and messy desks, for the purpose of boosting work efficiency and productivity,' write lead Jia Liu of the University of Groningen in a paper published in the Journal of Consumer Research. 

'This practice is based on the conventional wisdom that a disorganized and messy environment can clutter one's mind and complicate one's judgments.'

'However, not all evidence supports this conventional link between a messy environment and a messy mind.'

The scientists tested people's response in various 'messy' environments - including a messy shop front, a disorganized desk, and even a work environment where a language task 'reminded' people of messiness. 

The authors found in the series of six studies tended towards simplicity in their thinking.

'They categorized products in a simpler manner, were willing to pay more for a t-shirt that depicts a simple-looking picture, and sought less variety in their choices,' said the researchers.

Oddly, the effect seems to be more profound dependent on your politics - because liberals, say the researchers, are generally less concerned about being disorganised.

'Specifically, conservatives, when confronted with a messy environment (compared to a clean environment), were willing to pay more for a t-shirt with a simple-looking picture. Liberals' willingness to pay for this shirt was not affected by messiness,' the authors explain.

Finally!  A study that makes some sense!  We should only be investing in studies that prove I do things the right way, essentially proving my awesomeness.  If I was in the office today (working from home today), I would take a picture of exactly what my desk and office look like.  I easily have the messiest office in my department.  By a country mile.  It's not anything near a disaster, I just work with a bunch of clean freaks.


Does it take me a minute to find something?  Sometimes.  Do I sometimes use someone else's office to meet with a visitor?  Yes.  However, I make up for any inefficiencies with my creativeness, awesomeness, and by being ruggedly handsome.  My coworkers should be sending me "Thank You" cards at least once a month.


-Big Ran 

I Don't Think Menino Gets How These Bets Work

Last week he didn't think Colorado had good beer, this week he's hoping to get crabs.  Dude, you're supposed to get awesome stuff if your town's team wins.  Pubic lice don't fall under the category of "awesome stuff."

-Big Ran

Big Baby's No Pants Party

I loved the trade of Big Baby for Brandon "Lance" Bass when it happened and I still love it today.  The dude has to have a short circuit in his brain, right?  Doc Rivers must have felt like he had a 12 year old on the team at all times with Davis around.

How Glen Davis led his LSU team to the Final Four, I will never know.

-Big Ran

Lazy, Day After a Long Weekend Jam Post

I actually have a sh!t-ton of work to do and I have to try to control my raging work-induced ADHD, so at least this song is more than three minutes long.

F*cking jam, though.  For real.

-Big Ran