April Fools?

I know this is a true story, that Mariah Carey is asking for prayers for her husband, Nick Cannon, as he recovers from kidney failure, but dear God, how can anyone take this picture seriously??

1. Why is she in the bed with him? That's just awkward. He doesn't look too happy about it either.
2. Is he pregnant with twins? Oh wait, that's just the pillow on top of him so he can make room for Mariah.
3. Why is he wearing a winter hat? Is there any real need/reason for it?
4. Is he took weak to drink on his own? Why is she holding the cup for him?

There are so many thoughts going thru my mind right now. Maybe he faked the illness just to get a mini vacation at the hospital....I can only imagine how exhausting it is to raise twins....and Mariah on top of it all!.

And, my favorite quote of all, from MC herelf, : "We're trying to be as festive as possible under the circumstances but please keep Nick in your thoughts because this is very painful. ... I'm not trying to make light out of the situation because it's a serious moment that's very tough on all of us so please keep us and our family in your prayers."

Festive? Who is trying to be festive when they are in the hospital? Should I be suprised though? I mean, this is the woman who starred in the smash hit "Glitter".....oh, you've never heard of it? Well, good for you, because that's a couple of hours of my life I can't get back now.



-KC Jones

Big Ran Obligatory Chappelle Video Reference:



If you ever want to piss your wife, girlfriend, or really any female off, try to mix in how attractive Mariah Carey is. Guaranteed to drive them insane.

I'm Converting ASAP!

Imagine Bark Mitzvah parties?!  Those would be so awesome.  You would never get sick of going to one of those!  Get me some Kosher dog food and a Rabbi on the double!

-Big Ran

PS:  Would you count neutering as a Briss?

Casey Anthony Up to Her Old Tricks

By old tricks, I mean murder.  This time she may be literally boring people to death with her "video diary."

What the f*ck is up with her adopting a dog?  How did that even happen?  By adopt does she mean steal?  Don't you have to apply to adopt a dog?  I mean, my wife and I tried to adopt a dog and they shot us down because we didn't have a fence around our entire house.  It wasn't because we "allegedly" murdered or covered up the death of a child.

Dude, this chick is so tapped I can't even take it.  To all those people who say that she's "so hot," she's a 6 AT BEST and that's if she didn't murder anyone and wasn't clearly insane.

I guess we can just hope she adopted the modern day equivalent of Cujo.



-Big Ran

Stuck In My Head

I think this jam was in a tv show or movie I saw last week, but I'm not sure. Anyway, it's a jam that will ease you into the work day.

-Big Ran

So, This Happened...

I saw a few people post on the facebook that Snoop was on "The Price Is Right" last week, but I hadn't seen the clip until now.  Can't we just replace Drew Carey with Snoop?  Drew is super creepy right now.  Skinny Drew just isn't right.  Plus, you know he was and still is amazingly intimidated by Bob Barker and having to follow him on the show.  I mean, we all heard the stories of Bob Barker putting the wood to all those Price Is Right models, and God bless him for it.  One Viagra and a cloud of dust for my man, Bob.

Other than the birdseed, these products were right up Snoops alley.  You see how confident he was with the ranch dressing, paper towels, Boboli, and crackers?  If you went to Snoop's house right now, I guarantee that he has all of those products in his kitchen.  I can also absolutely guarantee that Snoop loves making Boboli pizzas when he is high as a mutha f*cka.

Someone needs to start an online petition to replace Drew Carey with Snoop ASAP.

-Big Ran

PS:  How about that bird seed with, like, extra fiber and antioxidants and sh*t?  How about that?

PPS:  Sorry mid westerners, you guys are fat as f*ck.

Irrational Rant...F*cking Brita

Not this Britta

I'm not talking about intercoursing Britta from "Community."  I'm talking about those God Damned water filtering pitchers.

This is what I'm talking about

Our town can't get their sh*t together regarding tap water and send out quarterly notices about some cancer-causing chemical that they can't get below acceptable levels, so we have to filter all water used for drinking or cooking.  The water filter in our fridge spits out water at about an once a minute, so that isn't so helpful.  of course I bought a house water filter like two years ago, but do you think I've installed that thing yet?  Of course not, I'm that lazy.

So, this fall, rather than buying like six gallons of bottled water a week, my wife bought a Brita Pitcher to filter the tap water and keep in the fridge.  This way, we can go a bit greener and save some money.  Well, guess what?  Britas have been around for what, like 15 years (I just looked online and Clorox bought North American rights to Brita Filters in 1988)?  All I remember is how these were the hotness when I went to college.  Every dorm room had like three of them that were either bone dry and empty, or over-filled to the point where the filter was floating somewhere in the top compartment (everyone knows what I'm talking about).  We instituted the "Brita Rule" in our freshman year room.  If you poured water and what was left over fell below the Brita logo on the pitcher, you had to fill it.

Sorry for the tangent, but I hadn't had a Brita since college and they still have all the same frustrating problems.  Clorox has been working on these things for 24 years and they still can't get it right?  Are you kidding me?

The top NEVER fits on correctly, so when you try to pour it it will fall off, spilling water everywhere.  Also, what the f*ck is up with the carbon bits that always float around?  In the instructions they always say this is normal for the first couple pitchers.  Why should this be normal?  We have hybrid cars, we have arthroscopic surgery.  Why can't they keep their God Damned carbon bits inside their God Damned filters?

This lady looks like this cigar/water filter is working out pretty well.  Brita, hook it up with some filter straws sans carbon bits.  Granted, she's probably immune to dysentery and typhoid at this point, but that is neither here nor there.  Or it may be, I just like saying "neither here nor there."  How often do you get to use the word "nor?"  Not often enough for my liking. 

Anyway, I guess my point is that after 23 or 24 years, Britas shouldn't be as frustrating as they are.  Plus, I kind of just want to be able to chill, wear a do-rag, and drink water out of a dirty river.

-Big Ran 

Stuck In My Head - Post Holidays Edition

Wow.  You know why this is stuck in my head?  Because that friggin' Time Life Music of the Decades, or something like that, came on during the middle of the day yesterday on ESPN 6.

Anyway, take a look at this video and tell me there wasn't an LSD-fueled orgy with everyone in attendance.  You can't say there wasn't because there definitely was.  Chicks, dudes, whatever.  I just get the feeling it was all good after this jam session.

The description of this video and the subsequent comments are winners on this video as well.

The description:

cat stevens '71
Cat Stevens the performer is what this video is about. The deal with Islam and such has nothing to do with this. No religious beliefs are perfect, you must use your own mind and creativity. Religion is a guidance not a law in which to punish and hate. Rock on my brothers and sistas from around the world...


Comments:

• I am a Jew

  He Is a Muslim

  And HE is the best singer I know

  iGamezOnline 3 weeks ago 70 
• Grrrr, I wish I was as cool as this man some day :(

  ssssBOOMcraft 2 weeks ago 7 

-Big Ran

Stuck In My Head...

This is one of my favorite songs of the mid/late 90's and always reminds me of high school. I still love it and it's been stuck in my head for about a day now. It's so frigin catchy and the white overalls in the video guarantee a good laugh every time I watch it.


Couple of things:

1. The Penny Hardaway puppet playing the piano? Innovative and awesome...and further strengthening the NBA/Hip-Hop connection. I wonder if he really knows how to play the piano....I'm betting not.

2. How could they (and we) ever have thought the overalls were stylish? Especially white ones....

3. I'm going to start bringing "No Diggity" back into my vocab, hardcore....that's actually one of my New Year Resolutions....no doubt.... (get it?)


-KC Jones

KC Jones' Top 5 Songs That Ruin Christmas....

...in my humble opinion.

5. "Little Saint Nick"- The Beach Boys


 I don't know if it's the fact that some of the high pitched notes can only be heard by dogs, or my general disdain for "The Beach Boys", but this song makes me want to punch babies and kick puppies....

4. "Santa Baby"- BY ANYONE


Hate isn't a strong enough word. Add Madonna to the mix and I'm in a blind rage. Why is she even singing a Christmas song? At age 50-something, she hasn't even decided on a religion or an accent yet! Also, no need to bring sex and Santa Claus together you whores!

3. "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"- Again, BY ANYONE...

...but particularly by The Jackson 5. The shouldn't have been singing Christmas or any holiday songs as they were raised as Jehovah's Witnesses and therefore do not celebrate. I guess dollar signs trumped religious ties as far as Joe and Katherine were concerned. Again, why are we sexualizing (is that even a word?) Santa Claus?? FAIL!

2. "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas"

Seriously? The voice is so enraging that I'd rather slide down a cactus plant than listen to it. Also, nobody wants a hippopotamus for Christmas, or for any other holiday.

1. "War Is Over"

First she ruins "The Beatles", and then she puts her grubby paws into the mix and ruins Christmas. When I hear this song, it doesn't put me into a festive mood, it actually makes me depressed. The actual music video starts at the 6:10 mark and it's full of morbid, depressing, and horrific images. I fail to see the connection to Christmas. I fail to understand why the radio stations play it after Rudolph and before Feliz Navidad. I fail to understand why John Lennon and Yoko were so obnoxious, greasy, and hairy. It should be mentioned here that I DESPISE "The Beatles" and am not afraid to say it. I respect their robotic, head bobbing place in musical history, but I hate them...however, I hate this song far worse.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and may you all avoid these songs over the next few days!

P.S. I would have included "Dominic The Donkey" here, but I didn't even want to give it any validation as an actual song.

P.P.S. I was going to do a supplemental post to Big Ran's Top 5 Christmas Songs, naming my own, but then got this idea and he supported it, raising a very valid point that I misinterpreted (read from the bottom up down below) and we almost got a friendship divorce:

From: Big Ran
Sent: Thursday, December 22, 2011 1:47 PM
To: KC Jones
Subject: RE:

 

No, you misunderstand.  I mean, what else would you need to your personal top five?  That’s why a worst list is a great idea.

Damn, woman.

From: KC Jones
Sent: Thursday, December 22, 2011 1:45 PM
To: Big Ran
Subject: RE:

Dude, Wham’s Last Christmas is the ONLY song you need at Christmas! Blasphemy I tell you! The baby Jesus would be devastated to read such a hurtful comment!

From: Big Ran
Sent: Thursday, December 22, 2011 1:43 PM
To: KC Jones
Subject: RE:

I like that a lot.  Other than Wham, what do you need?

From: KC Jones
Sent: Thursday, December 22, 2011 1:43 PM
To: Big Ran
Subject: RE:

Actually, should I do the Top 5 WORST Christmas Songs of all time? (In my opinion and then you can add?)

-KC Jones

Holy Sh!t, LeVar Burton is Awesome!

I screen grabbed the sh!t out of this.

Investigative journalism is not dead!  In my in depth research for my last blog post, I googled LeVar Burton because I wasn't sure how to spell his first name.  Well, you're all welcome because check this sh!t out:

Raise your hand if you knew LeVar Burton was in the "Word Up" video...Bueller?  Bueller?  Yeah, didn't think so.  Here are some other highlights from his Wikipedia page, which I take as Gospel:

Burton was born to American parents at the U.S. Army Landstuhl Regional Medical Center in West Germany. His mother, Erma Jean (née Christian), was a social worker, administrator, and educator. His father, Levardis Robert Martyn Burton, was a photographer for the U.S. Army Signal Corps, and at the time was stationed at Landstuhl.  Burton and his two sisters were raised by his mother in Sacramento, California.  Burton was raised Catholic and, at the age of thirteen, entered St. Pius X seminary in Galt, California to become a priest.  He attended Christian Brothers High School and graduated in the class of 1974. He is a graduate of University of Southern California's School of Theatre.


How about that?  How do they let kids study to become priests at 13?  Talk about Bad Idea Jeans.  All thirteen year olds want to do is jerk off and dream of finding their Dad's stash of Playboys, not praying all day and taking vows of poverty and celibacy.


That little early life bio was the big one in addition to the "Word Up" bombshell, but while we all know Burton was the host of "Reading Rainbow," he was also the executive producer.  That's big time.  He is married (to the woman below) and has a 17 year old daughter.

CUE THE MUSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Big Ran

PS: I bet someone could make a sweet remix of this jam. I would buy that on Amazon for $0.49.