Peace Out, Go Pats!

Your boy Big Ran is peacing out of the office, meeting off site.  I'm a pretty big deal.  Wes Welker's creeper stache wishes you a wonderful long weekend for MLK Day.  Unless your POE is racist like KC's, then enjoy the cube on Monday.

My guess for tomorrow night:  Pats 31 Tebows 17.

One more time:

-Big Ran

Lunchtime Mugshot

Miami New Times - Travis Williams was arrested on Wednesday for disorderly conduct/breach of the peace, which does not address the question as to why he's covered in a white powder. 

Williams was apparently at the Bayside Marketplace around noon, screaming at and trying to hit patrons, when cops rolled up. He allegedly got into a fighting stance and said: "Fuck you, motherfucker!"

The police officer who filled out the report clearly is the unflappable type. Let's see, African-American ethnicity, 5-foot-9, 164 pounds, brown eyes, bald... and here's the best part: Under "scars, tattoos, and unique physical features", the officer wrote "None visible."

What about, say, the fact that the guy looks like he just fell into Tony Montana's cocaine hot tub?

At least the Miami cops who arrested the guy with half a head had the decency to write in the same box: "Half a Head."

We'd try to call the arresting officer to see if they had any theories, but cops always write their names amazingly messy on police reports. Does that say C. Gravedepersia?

Until we find out, we're left only with our theories. Was he deliciously deloused? Was he trying to gain entry to the Indian Creek Village Country Club? Was he, as our editor Chuck theorized, "robbing a concrete factory?" (Chuck's from a different era.)

If you arrested Powder, or were attempt-smacked by him at Bayside, or are him, or have anything funny to say, please tell us in the comments. This somehow seems like a good opportunity to give away some New Times sunglasses to the best guess.

I couldn't think of a lunchtime look-a-like, but I came across this and honestly can't look at this guy without laughing.

I have two possible guesses who this guy is.  It's either Ashy Larry from The Chappelle Show:

Chappelles Show
The World Series of Dice
www.comedycentral.com
Buy Chappelle's Show DVDs Black Comedy True Hollywood Story

Or, Powder's not quite as albino cousin:

-Big Ran

Match Made in Heaven

ABC News - Katy Perry and Tim Tebow: Not since Adam and Eve has a couple seemed so divinely meant to be. According to OK! magazine, the newly single pop star’s parents are trying to orchestrate a meeting between her and the Broncos quarterback at their California church.

A source told the tabloid that Perry, who’s getting divorced from Russell Brand, “mentioned on more than one occasion how much she likes Tim.” His selling points: “He’s handsome, charming, intelligent and above all, a good Christian.” 

Perry was a Christian pop star before she started singing about kissing girls and liking it. Her parents, Keith and Mary Hudson, are evangelical ministers. Tebow’s baptist faith has made him a sensation on and off the field. (See:Tebowing.)

Reps for Perry and Tebow did not immediately respond to ABCNews.com’s requests for comment, nor did Perry’s parents. (Though they alluded to Perry’s marital discord motivating people to go to church last week.)

In any case, moving vans were spotted in front of Perry and Brand’s Hollywood Hills home this week. He’s reportedly moving out; she’s keeping the $6.5 million mansion. Might be a nice place to spend the off season, Tim.

Listen, I'm not sure Timmy could handle Katy Perry, I'm just sayin'.  At this point in life, do women think a dude being a virgin is sexy?  Not so sure about that.  And, yes, I made that Tebow pic.  I'm a f*cking artist.



-Big Ran

Honoring Martin Luther King, Jr.

On the heel's of KC's MLK post, I have seen some really wonderful ways individuals and businesses have been honoring Dr. King.  He obviously worked tirelessly for the equality of all people, so it is only fitting that everyone takes a moment to think about all he has done for the people of America. 

I have a dream to pay too much for a cover charge and get the clap from a leather ottoman.

No matter your race, you want smooth skin.

-Big Ran

I don't know that any of these are racist, but I love this gif way to much not to post it:

I Have A Dream....

...and that dream would be to have Martin Luther King Day off. Sadly, my POE doesn't give us MLK Day, St. Patrick's Day, OR Columbus Day off. So I will be here on Monday. That CLEARLY means one thing; the powers that be are racist towards Black Civil Rights Leaders, the Irish, and the Italians....and funny enough, I am two of those things AND my Birf'day is on St. Patrick's Day, so it's kind of a double 'f' you to me on March 17th. Maybe they just hate me?? That's more actually more likely than my unsubstantiated racism claims (written in jest)....

Technically speaking, they are also discriminatory towards fat babies in diapers (especially those who enjoy shooting arrows), as we also do not get Valen-time's Day off.

You do the math....



-KC Jones

Baby I Got Your Money....

Well, it's been a long 5 weeks, but my POE is finally paying us! Yup! That's right! I, and the others in the Corporate Machine here get paid MONTHLY and sometimes monthly means FIVE weeks, not FOUR! The logic is we get paid on the Friday on or before the 15th of the month (so, it's kind of like welfare on those months when it is the 15th, although those people are probably doing better than we are!) The way I figure it; we are actually getting screwed out of one month's pay as FOUR of our twelve pay periods are FIVE weeks long. Do the math: 1 extra week in 4 pay periods equals 1 full month of 'volunteer' work.

A former co-worker of mine (who was awesome and hilarious) used to come in each payday and the first thing he would do was log in to his bank account. If the money was there (which it always was), he'd start working. If it ever hadn't been, work would have come to a screeching halt. I admired his style.

That being said, I don't even know why I'm excited as my money is already gone. Fortunately, I'm in the same sinking ship as a lot of awesome people, so at least I'm not lonely. I'd also like to take a moment to thank the state of Massachusetts for sending my Excise Tax bill this month and I'd also like to thank my city for getting my water and sewer bill into my mailbox this week. I really appreciate it. Anything I can do to help Taxachusetts run, I'll gladly do with a smile on my face (and the middle finger behind my back).

On a side note; how about this as a slogan for the state excise tax: Excise Tax: Because the State Income, Meal, and Sales Taxes (among others) aren't enough.  That's right, it's awesome...don't steal it!

You know, I'm starting to agree with Ol' Dirty Bastard more and more....dude didn't "need" to collect his welfare checks as he was a millionaire, but seriously, he was right---"Why WOULDN'T you want FREE MONEY?"

P.S. How awesome is it that we managed to work ODB into the same post TWICE, especially considering that the post is not about rap music, the Wu-Tang Clan, or the ghetto....Boom goes the dynamite!

-KC Jones

Requiem for a Game

Bravo to KC on a few fronts:

1. Having the tickets

2. Having a camera and being really aggressive with it

3. Posting that last blog, love the format

On to my notes...

The food at the Garden blows.  Three chicken tenders for $8:50?  $7.75 for a beer?  Please.  I would be better off sticking frozen chicken tenders in my pants and letting them defrost throughout the first half and using you for your free dipping sauces.

I wish we had pics of the group that sang the national anthem, Jada.  Here's a pic and the descriptoon from their website:

Four extraordinary singers united by a common goal, Jada is the latest iteration of the classic female vocal group. Since coming together six years ago, all four members have devoted themselves heart and soul to Jada. Their self-titled debut marks the culmination of a remarkable journey in which these talented individuals came together to create a beautifully cohesive whole. From the album-opening ballad “Is It Love” to the sassy RedOne/Akon-produced first single, American Cowboy, Jada is a bright and brazen mix of pop, soul, dance, and R&B, spiced by Jada’s characteristic gospel-inspired harmonies. The powerhouse sound is not dissimilar to the girls themselves – soulful and sophisticated, sexy and strong, heartfelt and honest, flirty and fun.

That may be the worst description of a group I have ever read.  When KC referenced "Seats for Trannies" night, she wasn't kidding.  There were more shims in the crowd than I can come up with a funny comparison for.  There were that many.  And they all had good seats.  This Jada group, woof.  First off they sang A Capella (my worst nightmare) and they did that weird hand motion thing that just makes me want to puke.  Plus, their knees were extremely distracting.  You know how you could look at Demi Moore a few years ago and say, wow, how old is she? She looks great!  But then you got to her knees and dry heaved a little bit?  It was like that.  The camera man got off their legs so fast it made your head spin.

Next we had Donatella Versace in the crowd rocking some sort of fur coat over her orange leather hide hanging out with Dennis Rodman in drag and Vince Wilfork's younger brother. When I say everyone in our section was looking and making comments, I am not exaggerating.  Personally, win or lose, I consider that game a success because I was able to successfully make a joke about not making the mistake of getting a transsexual hooker again and the middle aged guy behind me totally went with it.





I think we had a chick wearing pajama jeans in front of us, we had a little kid that was super amped about the game and was really pumped when he had beer spill on him, there was just a ton going on.  The crowd was beyond eclectic.  From what looked like an Amish dude, to tons of Asians hoping to see Yi Jianlian (DNP-CD), to all the trannies, it was a smorgasbord.

I was also pleased because I had the chance to tell Jason Terry that "I seen his stroke and it's all flame;"  I got to yell "ball don't lie" when the refs made a terrible call and the Mav's shooter missed a free throw, a la Sheed,  and we got to yell at Danny Ainge when he walked about 10 feet in front of us, asking him where Perk was.  I bet he never gets tired of that.

-Big Ran

Big Pimpin', Watchin' C's....

So, as you all know, Big Ran and I went to the Celtics/Mavericks game last night. And, although we were suppose to go on a Late Boston Harbor Dinner Cruise with Cubes, The JET, Dirk, and Marion after the game, we were sore losers and decided to postpone until a later date. So, while we don't have stories about hanging out with them, we do have stories about what happened around us at the game....and better still, pictures to back it up!

Anytime you're in a large crowd, you're bound to see some real winners. However, I can fairly safely declare that Big Ran and I were COMPLETELY overstimulated by the crazies last night. They were all out, in full force and rare form. Some of the highlights included:

1. A large number of "women" who may have, in fact, not been women. Were they overprocessed? Yes. Were they orange due to horrific self tanner application? Yes. Were they dressed like street walkers? Absolutely. However, the structure of their faces, along with some shadowing that looked like they each might have Adam's apples led us to believe that not only were the C's hosting "Seats for Soliders" last night, but also, "Seats for Trannies".
Exhibit A:

picture modified to protect the oblivious

Some of our friends have weighed in on this one, calling her George Hamilton's daughter, or, even better, George Hamilton in drag. Big Ran and I though Donatella Versace....what are your thoughts on this gem? It could definitely go a variety of ways. And the best part is that she was with the dude to the left of her who looked like a poor man's Vince Wilfork from the Patriots. Nice try 'lady', but you weren't impressing anyone. You were, however, providing an incredible amount of entertainment as an older man and Big Ran had a ridiculous conversation trying to figure out what was going on as the man asked, "What is that?" and Big Ran proceeded to declare that "she" wasn't fooling anyone. Standing there, in floor seats, applying lip gloss and getting sh*t faced. WASTE of good seats, and a WASTE of my oxygen. I'd like to say this type of person should be banned from sporting events, but then again, it provided SO much entertainment I wouldn't want to have missed it.

2. The random people being featured up on The Jumbotron: I took a picture of this guy while he was on it. He got about half a dozen turns up there because he was so awesome. Not just his moves, but his choice of sweatpants (we're sure elastic at the bottom), his "Southie" sweatshirt (and why is South Boston the butt of numerous SNL skits?), his beret,  and, of course, his moves. A bull in a China shop? Even better actually! Big Ran and I predicted that "Schmitty" (as Big Ran named him) will not be able to walk today due to the intensity of his sweet dance moves. He was awesome. We loved him and wish there had been an empty seat next to us so we could have invited him down.  In addition to him, there were countless other awesome people up there, and then some who were not so awesome, such as Jersey Shore Tool and Slam Pig types.. Oh, and the man with the popcorn all stuck in his beard. That was attractive. So happy.

I'm crafty with the camera

3. The Young Professional (meaning, professional tool and space invader): This dude was sitting next to us and he was, without a doubt, the biggest tool/dork/poindexter EVER. First of all, the game was at 8 pm, and he has to show up wearing his work clothes---a dress shirt and dress pants. This would be fine if he didn't exude an aura of "I'm a young professional and I'm super important". Dude then proceeded to pretty much sit ON MY LAP and dry hump me the entire time. The plan was for Big Ran and I to switch seats at half time and for Big Ran to get, in his words, "Real Aggressive" with him. For some reason, that didn't happen---(the baked potato featured above distracted us I guess). Anyway, he was 1/2 in my seat the entire time, drinking his $12 shot glass size cups of beer and commenting to his equally dorky friend only when the busted Celtics dancers and other busted women were shown on the jumbotron. Naturally, his comments involved how good looking they were (which usually was NOT the case, but to him, it was true). He elbowed me at LEAST 17,000 times and it got to the point where I was pushing back. Very passive aggressive. His friend was pretty much a clone of him. If this is the pool of single men KC Jones gets to choose from, put me on suicide watch STAT. The highlight of my interaction with this guy? When he went to put something in HIS pocket and pretty much groped me. And there was no acknowledgement. This guy was the antithesis of Big Ran, and we found ourselves saying ridiculous things throughout the game alluding to the picture we had painted of him in our minds. "Stocks and bonds", "annuities", and "Buy/Sell", were frequently yelled as more passive aggressive behavior on our part. He sucks.

I'm on the right, in jeans, as it was a Celtics game. He was in slacks and invading my space as you can see.

And now, I'll turn this post over to Big Ran for his hilarious insights....

Wake Up B!tches!

What a beautiful day!  Maybe 40 degrees, pouring rain, wind, it doesn't get any better than this!

-Big Ran

Loose Change

Here are a few things I wanted to cover before heading to the Cs game today.

1.  We are literally the only website in the world that contain's Jason Terry's quote, "I seen her stroke and it's all flame."  I heard this during one of those College Basketball All Star/Skills Competitions they have on ESPN every April after the national championships.  In the Spring of 1999, Jason Terry was at Arizona and lost a three point contest to a women's player.  When the sideline reporter was trying to goad him into saying something stupid about losing to a girl, that's the gem he came up with.  Smooth as silk, that Jason Terry; it has been my favorite quote since then.

2.  You have to check out the following story from the Ottawa Sun about a woman being bitten by a dog.

As a dog owner, I would feel terrible if one of my dogs bit someone and hurt them.  With that said, this woman who was bitten is so full of sh!t on every level it's amazing.  First of all, why the f*ck are you sticking your face in the face of a dog you don't know.  That's f*cking bizarro world stuff right there.  Watch the video, because I'm going point-by-point here:

*She says she wouldn't do it for $50K.  Really?  I mean, her nose is banged up in the picture with the stiches, but please.  I would take a bite from a shih tzu and stiches on my nose for $50K, just sayin'.

*It has been a really rough six months since the dog bite.  Dude.  Stitches, and $50K in six months?  Again, I'll take it.

*The picture of her busted up shnozz is rough, but again, why the f*ck would you put your face right in a dog's grill if you didn't know them?  This isn't a kid we're talking about, that's a totally different story, this is a grown ass woman.

*Dogs in beer stores and the doctor's office.  That's friggin awesome.  Canada for the win.

*The lawsuit wasn't about the money and she wouldn't have sued the dog's owner if the woman had just apologized.  My bullsh!t meter is beeping off the charts right now.  A woman that mentioned paying bills half a dozen times in two minutes wasn't looking to cash in?  Child, please.  I'm not saying I wouldn't do the same thing, but let's be f*cking real.  An apology doesn't pay the bills, honey.

*God bless plastic surgeons, huh?  Dude, I bet she has a better looking nose now than before AND got some lipo while she was in there.  I smell insurance fraud.

*Finally, what the hell does a pit bull killing a shih tzu a few days before this incident have to do with anything?  Nice editing Ottawa Sun.

-Big Ran

PS:  The Ottawa Sun wouldn't let me embed the video, so I looked for it on YouTube with the following search:  "ottawa sun woman bit by dog."

Here's the top few hits:

1. Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up (Just Awesome)

2. G20 Police Dog Bites Woman (Makes Sense)

3. Dog Bites Man (I wish this was Man Bites Dog)

4. he jump on my vagina because he gets so crazy

You know I'm not leaving here with out posting that one (it gets awesome at 1:28).  Good evening and have a pleasant tomorrow.  Apparently the dog has been vasectomied not castrated:  "He can make love, but he won't have babies."